I am often called in as a mediator because of ‘ineffective and unproductive behaviour’ (to put it mildly).

Organisations often address problems at a behaviour level, perhaps because it feels more comfortable to do this. We often have policies and procedures to deal with ‘problem behaviour’. But these behaviours are symptoms. They can only be meaningfully and sustainably addressed through uncovering the root causes. Problem behaviours stem from difficult feelings that have not been acknowledged…

"I wish they could realise that I am a human being not a function."

This longing, expressed to me by a leader in a recent team mediation, is at the heart of so many conflicts.

A deep desire to be seen, heard, understood, considered.

But it is usually hidden under layer upon layer of accusations (they treat me badly, they don't respect me, they don't care how I feel)…

Most of the conflicts I mediate have escalated due to distance. The parties have been fearful of speaking to each other because of layer upon layer of assumptions they have made about the other. So they have stayed in their trenches, firing emails, whatsapp messages and formal complaints at each other. And this firing from a distance provokes counter-fire or avoidance, which confirms their worst fears and suspicions and causes them to dig deeper into their trenches…

There is a little-known term, coined by psychotherapist Andrea Nair, to describe what happens when children get home from school after a day of trying to maintain a certain level of energy, mental motivation, emotional containment and physical restraint… They experience ‘after school restraint collapse’. At home, they are able to release their pent up emotions and express themselves without fear of judgement or consequences.

I think we need an equivalent term for adults…

There is a lot of tension in the air at the moment. One week into lockdown #2 and there are signs of pent up anger, anxiety, loss, loneliness all around. Aggressive driving, argumentative social media exchanges, impatient interactions in shops, family blow-ups.

If you are lucky enough not to be experiencing overt conflict at work, it is likely that there are conflicts brewing under the surface…

In a recent, very tough, team mediation, the tool that really unlocked change was Nonviolent Communication (NVC), a tool for compassionate, assertive communication. NVC is mostly taught as a tool for communicating a difficult message. And with good reason - it is a powerful tool for centred speaking. But its hidden power is in helping us to listen with compassion.

The senior team in question was stuck in a cycle of mistrust that felt never-ending, because everything they were hearing from each other confirmed their judgements and fears…

Just before lockdown, Dr Rachel Morris interviewed me for her brilliant 'You are not a frog' podcast about how to manage difficult conversations that arise during change, crisis and conflict. The recording is now live and our conversation is even more relevant today, as leaders navigate perpetual uncertainty and as teams figure out how to work together in our changed world…

The cycle of mistrust is a tragic, but common, dynamic in workplace relationships. I see it play out in most, if not all, of the workplace conflicts I mediate. It often starts with small misinterpretations but can quickly spiral out of control. How can we break the cycle? Here are some strategies I use during mediation or conflict coaching sessions, along with a story from a recent mediation…

Fear of conflict - one of Patrick Lencioni’s Five Dysfunctions of a Team. ‘Artificial harmony’ is a sign of this dysfunction. Teams develop a fear of conflict when trust is absent. Conversely, leaders who model and encourage vulnerability build a trusting environment which makes constructive conflict possible…

I was reminded recently of the power of deep listening and empathy to enable us to process our feelings. I have felt very ‘full’. Full of emotion, thoughts, ideas, hopes, worries, preoccupations, stresses, pressures, doubts, judgements (of self and others). It had been a volatile week in terms of my moods and my children’s. My six year old had started back at school . It was only after dropping him off (and my daughter at nursery) that the exhaustion caught up on me. I realised how much I have been carrying around over the last three months...

I’ve been reflecting a lot on leadership - political and business - during this pandemic. Brian Eno’s Rethink Essay on the future of leadership (on BBC Radio) compares the ‘macho, media-savvy, authoritarian’ leadership style that the countries who have suffered worst from Covid share, with the cooperative style demonstrated by (female) leaders in Germany, New Zealand and Taiwan, countries which have had much better results…