Restraint collapse: what to do when the tidal wave hits
‘The Fair Fairy’ - an extract from Dogman by Dav Pilkey
Emotional meltdowns seem to be on the increase in our house. After school and nursery, both of my children are more sensitive than usual, more prone to angry outbursts or tears, more impatient with each other. I also feel like I’m teetering on the edge at times.
There is a little-known term, coined by psychotherapist Andrea Nair, to describe what happens when children get home from school after a day of trying to maintain a certain level of energy, mental motivation, emotional containment and physical restraint.
Often, as soon as they leave school, they experience ‘after school restraint collapse’. When they get home, they are able to release their pent up emotions and express themselves without fear of judgement or consequences. This sudden and seemingly irrational change in behaviour and mood can feel like a tidal wave to those on the receiving end.
My three year old’s nursery teachers tell me they have never seen her have a meltdown or a tantrum. Like most children, she suppresses difficult emotions at nursery to exemplify good behaviour. So when I pick her up from nursery, she is mentally and emotionally exhausted. She can’t hold it all together any longer. The tidal wave can be dramatic.
I think we need an equivalent term for adults. Whatever job we do, we have to hold it together, follow the rules and act professionally while at work. We might feel unable to express emotions or our true opinions at work. Or we might be introverted, and the energy required to work in people-facing roles could be exhausting. We all experience some form of restraint collapse as a result.
The work I do as a mediator requires a high level of patience, day in, day out. I see parties at their worst, often behaving like children (as we all tend to do in conflict). When a day of mediation (over Zoom) finishes, I leave my desk and have to go straight into parenting mode in the next room. When faced with squabbles or whining, my patience is very short. It’s hard not to feel guilty at times like this - I start to doubt whether I lack empathy and patience in real life.
But the reality is that I experience restraint collapse too. After days (and years!) of patient, non-judgemental listening, I sometimes need to release pent up impatience. After a long day of mediating warring parties, I sometimes feel like I’ve turned into the Fair Fairy from my son’s Dogman comic books (see comic strip in the photo below where she loses it).
We’re nearing the end of a tiring term and a world-changing year. It’s getting colder and darker and we’re all facing the prospect of a difficult, Covid-dominated winter. Our resilience is probably lower than usual as we’re coping with chronic stress and what feels like never-ending uncertainty. These conditions mean a greater build up of emotion than usual. So the tidal waves will likely be more forceful when our restraint inevitably collapses.
So how can we support ourselves (and others around us) to handle restraint collapse? Here are five ideas:
Practice self compassion. Try not to judge yourself - you are human and restraint collapse is normal! Try to accept your emotions as part of you - they play an important function.
Try to find safe outlets for emotional expression. The more able we are to express ourselves honestly in our workplaces, the more we are releasing the pressure valve a little, so that we don’t explode or implode when we get home.
Create space for processing. This might be through journalling or through talking to someone you trust. Noticing the things that have irritated or exhausted you from the day can help.
Allow decompression time. Consider what helps you decompress - it could be reading, crafts, a hot bath, walking, exercise.
Make time for fun. Laughter and play are effective ways to release tensions from the day.
Would you like to learn skills to mediate conflict in your team? Join my upcoming workshop on Friday 4th and 11th December - Conflict for Good: Mediation Skills for Modern Leaders.
