From avoidance to acknowledgement: How to name the elephant in the room
Many of the teams and individuals I am working with at the moment have a similar dilemma. On the surface they are in a fairly healthy place, but there is a big, unacknowledged elephant in the room.
Some of the elephants I’ve seen include:
Unresolved tension between two or more team members that plays out in team meetings
Financial threats to an organisation that make the future feel uncertain
A past distressing incident that no-one has felt able to talk about
An internal promotion that has led to speculation of unfairness
A member of staff who is seen by team members as under-performing
A manager who reacts defensively or explosively to challenge so no one speaks up anymore
A team member who is on long term sick leave with no return in sight
A ‘nice’ culture that masks underlying issues and conflict
Why does it happen?
It is not surprising that this is such a common phenomenon that it has entered our everyday vernacular. Discussing controversial or sensitive issues is uncomfortable, and it is natural to want to avoid discomfort. Most of us know deep down that ignoring these issues is likely to cause worse pain in the future, but we often avoid the immediate discomfort nevertheless.
Many teams I work with speak of their fear of opening up a can of worms and then not feeling able to deal with them. Or they are fearful of causing offence or of not being listened to.
I also think that the pandemic has caused so much disruption and anxiety that many leaders are (understandably) wary of causing further discomfort to their teams.
Why does it matter?
Elephants in the room are costly. They take up a lot of ‘space’ - pretending something so obvious doesn’t exist takes a lot of conscious energy and effort. Everyone talks around the issue rather than about it, which can be frustrating and prevents real change from happening. A feeling of constantly treading on eggshells can take its toll on mental health and wellbeing. And the lack of open, honest dialogue often means that creativity is stifled and relationships remain superficial.
So what can we do?
Consider why you - and others - are ignoring/avoiding the issue at hand.
An awareness of others’ fears or assumptions will help you to engage them in the conversation.
Establish some psychological safety so that people are able to speak up honestly.
A few things might help with this. Explain your intention for having the conversation and empathise with how people might be feeling about it (‘I’m aware that you might be feeling anxious about this meeting, but it’s really important that we talk about xyz, and my hope is that we can create a more open team culture as a result’). And try to model openness, vulnerability and good listening yourself, so that others follow suit.
Name the elephant.
It takes courage to be the person who names the elephant. But often when we do this, there is a collective sense of relief in the team that someone has finally done it and they don’t need to pretend anymore.
Be curious and explore each other’s perceptions of the elephant.
The longer elephants go unchecked, the more likely everyone has constructed different versions of reality that have also gone unchecked.
Take time together to actually look at and examine the issue together and explain your perceptions to each other. What assumptions have people made and how true are they?
Agree together how you will address future elephants.
Try to establish what made talking about the elephant so difficult. Discuss the impact of the team’s avoidance. And then explore what would enable everyone to feel able to call it out in future.
Would you like to become more courageous in your relationships and your conversations? Register your interest in our upcoming, invite-only Courageous Leaders group coaching programme - email us here.
