Breaking the cycle of mistrust: learning from a recent mediation
The cycle of mistrust is a tragic, but common, dynamic in workplace relationships. I see it play out in most, if not all, of the workplace conflicts I mediate. It often starts with small misinterpretations but can quickly spiral out of control.
How can we break the cycle? Firstly, by creating a safe environment that enables vulnerability. Once I have established a level of safety, here are some strategies I use during mediation or conflict coaching sessions, to break this cycle:
I help parties to share with the other party why they are in self-protective mode. To share how they are feeling and what triggered those feelings. This humanises them and helps the other party to empathise and let their own guard down.
I help parties to notice and articulate the negative assumptions they have reached and to ask the other party whether or not they are true.
I help parties to reflect on how their behaviour may be interpreted by the other party and how the other might be impacted.
The cycle can be broken through tackling any of the three dynamics depicted in the diagram above (negative assumptions, self protective behaviours or interpretations of those behaviours). Wherever you start, the crucial ingredient is psychological safety, which allows for vulnerability, honesty and empathy.
To illustrate this cycle of mistrust, here is a story of a recent mediation I did, where co-founders of a small business had gone from being very close friends to not communicating except via text messages. Trust had completely broken down and the pain went very deep. One party (‘party A’) in particular had suffered bad knocks to his self esteem as a result of the cycle of mistrust. He dreaded receiving the other party (party B)’s messages, because he feared ‘more criticism’. So he ignored them - a self protective behaviour. This was perceived by party B as laziness, disinterest and lack of empathy towards how she was feeling, and her response was to send more (angry) messages. And so the cycle continued.
I worked very hard with party A in the joint meeting to unearth and name the assumptions and beliefs he had reached about the party B. There was a long list, from 'You think you've put more into the company than me' to (deeper under the surface) 'You don't think I bring anything to the company' to (deeper still) 'You think I'm worthless'.
I encouraged party A to ask party B whether these assumptions were true. This requires courage on the part of the mediator as there is no guaranteeing that they won’t say ‘yes’! We have to be ready for the fall out if this happens. In this particular case, party B confirmed that the first assumption was indeed true. This was of course painful for party A to hear, but it opened up an important and necessary conversation about the resentment that party B had been feeling. And, crucially, Party A went on to learn that the conclusions he had drawn from that first assumption (i.e. that party B didn't think he had any strengths to bring to the business and that he was 'worthless' in Party B’s eyes) were wrong assumptions.
It turned out that both parties had a deep need for appreciation and recognition that wasn’t being met. Once we knew this, I was able to work with the parties to help them to satisfy these needs, by supporting them to articulate what strengths they each brought to the business and to describe what they appreciated about each other.
This exercise enabled the parties to reconnect with what had attracted them to each other in the first place, both as friends and as business partners. By peeling back the layers of mistrust that had formed, they recovered respect and gratitude for each other. It was a deeply moving process for the parties (and for me!).
Are you - or members of your team - stuck in a cycle of mistrust? If you are, I’d encourage you to list the negative assumptions you have made about the other person - their motivations, beliefs or opinions. Then go down the list and ask yourself - or the other person, if you are feeling courageous - whether they are true or false. In my 15+ years of mediating, it is very rare that our worst assumptions are true.
Get in touch if you need support. Often just one session of conflict coaching can bring clarity and equip you to break the cycle of mistrust. Or for more complex cases, mediation is an effective route to replace the cycle with trust, safety and positive behaviours.
