Self-sabotage: why we push others away in the moments that we most need them

Image by Natalie Breeze on Unsplash

My 3 year old loves flowers. Yesterday I gave her some that I had found on the ground. She was so delighted - repeatedly and lovingly arranging them, smelling them, gazing at them. 

And then I inadvertently said something that provoked an outburst of anger and she started hysterically ripping them to shreds in protest. It was a tragi-comic moment, seeing her do something so pointless and destructive that hurt no one but herself.

A few days earlier, my 6 year old had a dramatic emotional outburst in reaction to being told off about something by his dad. He cried uncontrollably and hit out with angry phrases (‘I hate daddy’, ‘go away daddy’). In response, his daddy left the room, thinking he needed some space.

We often say and do hurtful things when we’re angry. We hit out - often behaving like children - because we feel hurt or vulnerable ourselves. We desperately - at an unconscious level - want to be heard, seen, understood or taken seriously. And yet our behaviours in that moment of anger often push people away and cause them to stop listening, to misunderstand us or to view us as ridiculous.

What was my son needing in his moment of meltdown? Attention, acceptance, understanding, love, affection. What got in the way of him expressing those needs (and getting them met)? Pride and shame - he said ‘go away’ because he was ashamed and couldn't ask for what he needed. He later protested angrily and tearfully ‘why does no one want to cuddle me?!’

In moments of conflict or heightened emotion, when we feel threatened, we often hit out - and behave like children - at the other person. It can be helpful to view these behaviours as (flawed) strategies to get our deep needs met, needs we are often not even aware of. Perhaps in that moment we need connection, understanding, love, safety or reassurance. Yet we are often disconnected from these needs, unable to recognise and communicate them. And tragically, the strategies we end up using are usually the least likely to get our needs met, because they inadvertently create disconnection and misunderstanding. 

What if we were able to exercise self-compassion instead, noticing our feelings and needs and communicating them to the other person in a direct, non-blaming way? “I’m feeling really frustrated and would love it if you could listen and try to understand why.” Rather than pushing the person away, this creates the potential for your needs to be met with compassion from the other person.

How do you self sabotage? What deep needs are you expressing when you do this? 

How could you self-support instead? How could you communicate your needs to the other person in a way that might spark compassion?

Get in touch if you would like to develop strategies for managing conflict constructively. I offer workshops as well as coaching and mentoring.