Digging for gold: Why we need giraffe ears in conflict

In a recent, very tough, team mediation, the tool that really unlocked change was Nonviolent Communication (NVC), a tool for compassionate, assertive communication. 

NVC is mostly taught as a tool for communicating a difficult message. And with good reason - it is a powerful tool for centred speaking. But its hidden power is in helping us to listen with compassion.

The senior team in question was stuck in a cycle of mistrust that felt never-ending, because everything they were hearing from each other confirmed their judgements and fears. Even when they used NVC to communicate honestly (and with vulnerability) about how they were feeling and why, their words and intentions were often misunderstood and mistrusted.

Through a series of virtually facilitated team days, I taught this senior team to notice and name the judgements they were hearing and making - to catch themselves in the act of judging. And then to practice something radical and very rare instead - deep, compassionate, non-judgemental, fully-present listening. Listening that doesn’t just hear the words that are said but that hears the feelings and the needs being expressed or inferred (or just leaked). Listening that focuses on what’s important to the speaker, even - or especially - when the listener is emotionally triggered by something that has been said.

Marshall Rosenberg, the creator of Nonviolent Communication (NVC), spoke of listening with ‘giraffe ears’ versus listening with ‘jackal ears’. When we listen with jackal ears, we are highly alert to danger or threat - we listen for blame, attack, judgement. (And we will usually hear it, because most communication when in conflict is flawed, inferring judgement or blame of the other.) We then attack back or defend ourselves. The result is a breakdown in communication - the intended message is lost and we have missed an opportunity for understanding and compassionate connection. 

In contrast, when we listen with giraffe ears*, we are alert to what’s most important to the speaker. Even if they are communicating in an attacking way, giraffe ears mean we try to remember that attacking others often comes from a place of fear, hurt, shame, vulnerability. So we stay curious and compassionate, and we listen more deeply to hear their pain, their hopes, their fears, their regrets, their needs, their intentions. (*You might be wondering why giraffes? Its because they have the largest heart of any land mammal - apparently they are about 2 feet long and weigh around 11kg!)

In difficult conversations, the real challenge is to turn our giraffe ears outwards and inwards simultaneously. To work hard to hear the feelings and needs being expressed - or inferred - by the speaker (perhaps clumsily) whilst listening with compassion to our own reactions in the moment - noticing our own feelings and needs without judging them.

If we can practice, and one day master, using giraffe ears, we start to strengthen our empathy muscle. When someone says to us ‘why do you never listen to me?!’ we don’t react with a rebuttal or a counter-attack. Instead of hearing, and reacting to, a perceived threat, we hear a deeply human need to be understood, to connect, to be valued. And perhaps a sadness that this need isn’t being met at the moment. And a hope that this could change.

When I concluded my work with the senior team mentioned above, they were all listening in a completely different way. Their empathy muscles were stronger. They were gracious and forgiving of each other when messages were delivered in flawed ways. They were able to be courageous and vulnerable in naming the interpretations they had made of the other’s words. In short, they were able to see the humanity in the ‘other’ again. And this empathy opened up the possibility of a new kind of conversation. 

They had begun to take responsibility, both for how they spoke AND for how they listened and interpreted what was being said.

In conflict, there is a lot of gold to be found, if we know where and how to look for it. The gold might be olive branches being held out, deep regret and learning about the past, the beginnings of positive feelings towards each other, seeing the best rather than the worse in each other. This senior team had started to uncover the gold in themselves and in each other.

This gold is often buried deep - buried by shame, fear of rejection, hurt -  and we need to work hard to dig it up.

• What triggers a jackal response in you?

• When have you felt able to listen with giraffe ears and what was the effect of this?
  

Would you like to learn how to manage and de-escalate conflict? Join my upcoming workshop - Conflict for Good: Mediation Skills for Modern Leaders. Early bird discount expires at midnight on Friday 13th November.