The power of pinpointing emotions - for yourself and others

My son turned 7 last week. When I picked him up from school he described his day:

Isaac: Everyone sang happy birthday to me. It was nice but a bit embarrassing.
Me: So you felt embarrassed but still liked it?
Isaac: No - I mean I mostly liked it but was a little bit embarrassed too.

It may seem a minor thing to celebrate, but I'd just spent time with a senior team, teaching them to notice and name their emotions. Their inability to do this has kept them stuck in a perpetual, unconscious cycle of mistrust, reacting to each other without really understanding why. So to be corrected by my son for emphasising the wrong emotion felt reassuring.

I'm convinced that teaching our kids how to pinpoint and express their emotions will serve them well as adults. And for those adults we work with or manage who haven’t yet learnt how to do this, we can support them to expand their feelings vocabulary.

Why does this matter? Because feelings are vital messengers. Difficult feelings tell us something isn’t right; that in this moment we have important needs that are not satisfied. If we can get beneath our more obvious or surface emotions (‘irritation’ or ‘frustration’ for example) to the harder-to-name emotions, this often gives us insights into what needs to change.

For example, I get frustrated if I am talking about something important and am interrupted a lot. It is only on further reflection that I might realise that - in addition to the frustration I am feeling - under the surface I am feeling hurt and disappointed. This points to important needs that are not being met in the present moment, such as the need to connect, to be understood or to feel valued. If the other person could listen to me without interrupting, they might be able to understand how I am feeling, what motivates me, etc, we’ll be able to connect more meaningfully, and I will feel more valued in the relationship.

So expanding our emotional vocabulary helps us to pinpoint our emotions which helps us to connect to our needs. This is essential in building our resilience.

It also makes it easier for us to express our emotions to others in a way that helps them to hear - and care enough to do something about it. This emotional expression is essential in building healthy, resilient teams.

I’m working with a team in conflict at the moment. They have each struggled to describe - and own - their feelings and needs because they are in the habit of blaming each other for their feelings.

Some of my work with them has been to help them to uncover the feelings underneath the judgements and beliefs they have formed of their colleagues. And to take responsibility for these feelings.

So often we use loaded words such as “judged”, “disapproved of”, “excluded”, “put down” as if they are feelings. This often stops the other person from hearing us as they will likely perceive these words as an attack.

These loaded words are not feelings - they are thoughts. We think we are being judged or put down by the other person. Having the courage to name the hurt or confusion or anger we feel as a result of thinking this helps the other person to hear us and to empathise with our pain. And perhaps even to tell us whether our perception is accurate or not.

So pinpointing our difficult emotions helps us to own and express our emotions in a way that the other person can hear, which ultimately helps us to change them.

What words in the wheel above best describe your feelings today?

How can you support those around you to expand their feelings vocabulary?

How can you make it normal for you and your team to express feelings regularly?

For more tips on managing your emotions and those of others’, sign up below 👇 for my FREE Guide to Building Team Resilience during Uncertainty.