Finding the humanity in conflict
"I wish they could realise that I am a human being not a function."
This longing, expressed to me by a leader in a recent team mediation, is at the heart of so many conflicts.
A deep desire to be seen, heard, understood, considered.
But it is usually hidden under layer upon layer of accusations (they treat me badly, they don't respect me, they don't care how I feel) which are often defence mechanisms. It takes patient, empathetic questions to peel back the layers and uncover what someone is really longing for in conflict.
Expressing such longings is vulnerable. Being seen as a human being by those who have hurt us opens us up to the possibility of further hurt. What if they don't care? What if they use this information to hurt us again? It often feels safer to hide our humanity behind indifference or aggression.
And yet the most likely route to achieving understanding, empathy and behavioural change is to take the risk. To show our human frailty.
The vast majority of people don't intend to hurt others. And when they unintentionally hurt others, they are often blind to the impact. They forget the other person is a human being, with human feelings and human needs. So when their eyes are opened to the impact on the other, they feel deep sadness and regret. They want to learn how they can avoid hurting the person again.
Here is how the conversation continued...
Me: "What would it be like if they did realise you are a human being not a function?"
Leader: "They would treat me with more kindness."
Me: "How could you help them to see you as a human being who is longing to be treated kindly?"
Leader: “I guess they need to realise how hurt I was by what was said in that meeting.”
The work didn’t stop there. The party was worried about opening up about the impact on them in case it was used against them. But I am hopeful that they will take the risk. And that their vulnerability will result in the kindness they crave.
Would you like to learn to confront conflict with courage and empathy? My Courageous Leaders programme starts in May for 12 leaders - find out more here. Early bird rate expires 12th April.
