Feelings & fears: why they matter & how to make space for them at work
“Leaders must either invest a reasonable amount of time attending to fears and feelings or squander an unreasonable amount of time trying to manage ineffective and unproductive behavior.”
(Brené Brown)
I am often called in as a mediator because of ‘ineffective and unproductive behaviour’ (to put it mildly). Behaviour that could have been prevented if feelings and fears had been attended to earlier.
Organisations often address problems at a behaviour level, perhaps because it feels more comfortable to do this. We often have policies and procedures to deal with ‘problem behaviour’.
But these problem behaviours are symptoms. They can only be meaningfully and sustainably addressed through uncovering the root causes. Problem behaviours stem from difficult feelings that have not been acknowledged.
So often we try to separate out feelings from difficult conversations. To have ‘objective’, factual conversations. This is both impossible and counter-productive. Feelings are part of being human and are a driver for our behaviours. If ignored, they will seep out - or explode.
In my various leadership roles, ‘how are you feeling’ was the question I asked most frequently. It is how I would begin most team and one to one meetings. And in times of stress, change or uncertainty, it became a more frequent question.
As a leader, I’d rather know how everyone is feeling, so that any fears, anger, disappointment, confusion, resentment, overwhelm could be addressed early. Before they took over and caused low morale, disengagement, fractured relationships, mistrust, poor behaviour.
Encouraging the expression of difficult emotions can be scary. I hear leaders describe their fears of ‘opening up a can of worms’ or of ‘making it worse'. What if they cry? What if they get more angry?
These are normal fears to have. Difficult emotions are, well, difficult. It can be uncomfortable and unsettling to hear others pain or anger. Especially if some of it is directed at us or if we feel unable to change the situation that is causing the anger or pain.
But, as the Brene Brown quote above indicates, if difficult feelings and fears are not attended to, they don’t go away. They grow in intensity and spill over. And later, the ignored feelings and resulting behaviours - and their impact on the wider team - take far more time and energy to address.
Since the pandemic, we are all living with prolonged uncertainty and perpetual change. This is deeply stressful. In this state, we need to pay even more attention to our emotions. Emotional expression is crucial to resilience. If we don’t express our emotions, they will take over and our behaviours will become more erratic and even destructive. As leaders, we can’t support our people well if we don’t know how they are feeling.
Courageous leadership requires us to create an environment where it is normal - and encouraged - to feel and express emotions. This means creating regular opportunities for this emotional expression. And it also means modelling vulnerability ourselves by sharing our own feelings – this will help to normalise honesty around emotions. And it means responding with empathy when we hear difficult emotions expressed, working hard to understand what people are feeling and why, without trying to make those feelings go away.
Try using my 3Ns - Notice, Name and Normalise strong feelings:
NOTICE. Try to notice how people are feeling and actively encourage the expression of difficult emotions, even if it makes you feel uncomfortable. The feelings wheel above might help you or others to identify and articulate feelings.
NAME. Always name the feelings you hear expressed, so people feel heard and understood. Reflecting back the anxiety, anger, sadness people are feeling is so simple but it goes a long way towards calming their emotional state. ‘So you’ve said you’re feeling really upset and worried.’ Don’t try to change the feeling or take the sting out of it - this will only cause further frustration. Just acknowledge and accept the feelings you’ve heard.
NORMALISE. People often feel ashamed to express difficult emotions. So it's important to normalise these emotions, for example by saying ‘it is completely understandable to feel anxious or fearful at a time like this, and it is ok to express this’. This helps create a psychologically safe culture.
Investing time and effort in creating an open culture where it is normal to feel and express emotions will deliver a return. It will save you far more time and effort further down the line. And it will result in strong relationships, healthy behaviours and high performance.
If you would like to learn more skills and tools for emotionally intelligent leadership, check out my courageous leaders programme. It starts in May and will be a transformational journey of self discovery and skills mastery. There are a few spaces left. Bursaries of up to 50% are available for charity leaders.
