Moving towards the fire: A lesson in vulnerability
Move towards the fire. This has become one of my mantras as a mediator and facilitator.
In the courageous conversations that I facilitate, I support people to move towards the things they are most fearful of. The things that feel most risky, most vulnerable, perhaps explosive. The things that they are avoiding, wanting to run a mile from.
From 20 years of mediating conflict, I know that moving towards the fire is the best - and only - way to resolve conflict and to build strong relationships. Skirting around the toughest issues leads to lukewarm relationships (at best) and mediocre teams (or worse). Only through moving towards the difficult conversations, the painful emotions, the feedback we’re dreading, can we build open, courageous, creative, resilient teams.
It is never comfortable to do this. But it’s in this discomfort that we often experience the deepest learning, growth and connection, to ourselves and to others.
Courage is not about fearlessness. Without fear we wouldn’t be human. Courage requires us to allow ourselves to feel fear, to be human. And then to respond to that fear with courageous action. Courage is about stepping into the things we are most fearful of.
I had my own little lesson in vulnerability last week.
I have been avoiding recording and sharing a video of myself for nearly a year. It has felt scary, exposing, icky. I have instead written blogs and newsletters and LinkedIn posts, all of which are easier to hide behind.
There has never been a good time to do a video (so I’ve told myself). I’ll do it after I’ve had time to wash my hair, after I’ve bought a tripod, when the house is quiet and tidy (or when there is a spot in the house not overrun by toys!), when I have a clear day to get it right. These of course will never happen, or at least never at once.
The real obstacle was myself. My own perfectionism. My own fears around putting myself out there. What if I seem unprofessional? What if people don’t like it? What if they don’t like me?
And then, last week, after months of having it on my to do list, I did it. (After a lot of encouragement and accountability from my mentor/coach as described below.) I did it in the middle of a busy day. With unwashed hair and only a vague idea of what I wanted to say. With duplo bricks instead of a tripod. With zero consideration of the back-drop or the sound quality. (Or that my neighbours could probably hear me.)
Here is the 4 minute video - and people’s reactions to it.
I didn’t overthink it or rehearse it or edit it, despite cringing when I watched it back. I was determined to try to practice the small steps of vulnerability and courage that I expect from others. To let myself make mistakes and try not to judge them.
It’s a small triumph compared to the feats of vulnerability which parties in mediation often take.
But the lessons were the same.
Vulnerability creates connection. I have been really surprised by the reaction on LinkedIn to my short, unpolished video. When we share our own fears and vulnerabilities, it sparks kindness and vulnerability in others.
If it feels scary, we probably need to do it. Noticing our fears and stepping into them is deeply empowering. It leads to the growth we most need. And it is usually not as scary as we have built it up to be.
Courage is contagious. It starts with small acts but it grows - in us and in others. It shows us and others what is possible. That often our worst fears aren’t realised. So we - and they - start taking more leaps. And we end up with courageous cultures, where vulnerability, honesty and stepping into discomfort becomes the norm
What are you feeling most fearful of at work? What conversation are you most dreading? What are you resisting doing?
Perhaps it’s asking a team member who is in a low place how they are really feeling.
Perhaps it’s owning a mistake you’ve made.
Perhaps it’s telling someone the impact of their behaviour on you or the team.
Perhaps it’s starting a conversation about race or gender.
Perhaps it’s speaking your mind on an issue that you disagree with your team- or your manager - on.
Perhaps it’s inviting honest feedback on your leadership.
Could stepping into it be your call to courage this week?
(Watch my 4 minute video - and see people’s reactions to it here.)
If you would like to learn the courage and the skills to move towards the things you are most fearful of in your relationships, check out my courageous leaders programme. It starts in two weeks. I have a few spaces left.
I know the power of a group coaching programme, because I have been a participant in one for the last eight months. It has been a game-changer for me. To be part of a carefully curated group of like-minded people who have become mentors, advisors, coaches, friends, encouragers, challengers, accountability buddies.
Without this group I wouldn’t have developed and launched my Courageous Leaders programme. And I definitely wouldn’t have posted this video.
Leadership can be lonely. If you’d like to be part of a group of courage-building leaders, get in touch.
