From acute anguish to chronic languishing: The little-known emotion that you are probably feeling

26 Jul

It’s day one of the school holidays. I’m already feeling at a loss for what to do to fill the time. I am feeling a lethargy and a listlessness that has stopped me from making fun plans.

And there are other things I have noticed about myself recently…

I have several books on the go and am struggling to get into any of them.

I spend longer scrolling – and flitting - on social media than I would usually.

I am a night owl and used to fill my precious child-free evening hours with fairly productive pursuits (or at least a decent film or series). But I now sit more aimlessly, often unsure what to do with the time or too tired and unmotivated to focus on anything for long.

I have struggled to find the motivation to go to bed early, despite feeling a perpetual tiredness and a sense of the pointlessness of staying up late with no purpose.

All of this is, in part, a lengthy excuse for the 3-month interlude since my last blog.

For much of 2020 I was driven by a need to catch up in the evenings on work hours lost to home-schooling. I also felt inspired to write, to communicate with the world. So I churned out blogs and newsletters every 2 or 3 weeks.

Since April 2021, I have had many ideas for blog topics. But I have struggled to find energy and motivation to sit down to write or sometimes even to open my laptop. And when I have sat down to write, I have stared at a blank page. Not sure where to start. Changing my mind on the topic. Getting distracted by emails and social media pings.

And then, a few weeks ago, a very wise friend introduced me to a term that made all of the above make sense… ‘Languishing’.

I am someone who tends to feel emotions quite strongly, but recently I’ve found myself feeling just ‘ok’. Not terrible, but not great. It’s harder to get excited but I’m not feeling gloomy. I’m not feeling fearful but I’m also not able to relax fully as Covid cases have continued to climb. I wouldn’t describe myself as either despairing or hopeful right now.

I was languishing. And suddenly I realised that many people around me and many of the teams I support through my work were also languishing.

So I decided to write a blog about this shared experience. (And have been unable to write it for a few weeks because I couldn’t focus or get motivated. Because I was languishing.)

So what is languishing?

The Cambridge dictionary defines languishing as ‘existing in an unpleasant or unwanted situation, often for a long time.’ People languish in jail, they languish in obscurity. They languish in perpetual uncertainty due to Covid.

For psychologists, who think of mental health as a spectrum from the low of depression to the high of flourishing, languishing is the little-known state in the middle. It is an ‘absence of mental health, characterised by ennui, apathy, listlessness and loss of interest in life.’

The symptoms might include having trouble concentrating, lacking motivation and enthusiasm for things that might have been exciting in the past, spending too long on social media, staying up late to watch rubbish TV. Feeling a bit joyless, aimless, empty. Stagnating.

(I should say at this point that, for me, languishing hasn’t been a continual state. I am fortunate to be doing work I love, and when I am mediating, coaching, facilitating or training I am fully motivated by, and absorbed in, those tasks. And I’m not just saying this to reassure any current or future clients who are reading this 😉. It is the time in between that can be tough. The quiet days that are less defined and require more self-motivation. The admin or finance days. The writing or marketing days. Those are the days I find myself slipping into languishing.)

I read a great article by psychologist Adam Grant which suggests that languishing could be the dominant emotion of 2021.

In 2020, we were united by the collective emotion of grief. Some of us lost loved ones, jobs, homes, businesses, health. All of us lost a sense of normality, freedom and connection.

The intense grief and fear we all felt in 2020 was often overwhelming but it propelled many of us. Our amygdala (the part of our brain that drives our fight or flight responses) was on high alert for danger, so our survival instincts kicked in. And then, as we learnt more about the virus that was threatening us, we found ways to cope and to manage the threat somewhat. This eased our sense of dread.

But the intense sense of dread and grief has been replaced by a more subtle but chronic feeling (of languishing). A feeling that has caught many of us off-guard. The emotional marathon of the pandemic has worn away our resilience and left us muddling through. We’re still facing chronic uncertainty, unable to plan ahead or to feel hope for better times. And it’s exhausting. In this state, we’re not able to function at full capacity, to flourish.

Adam Grant describes the hidden dangers of languishing. Namely that we might not notice it. A dwindling of desire and drive is harder to spot than the symptoms of depression. He says our indifference to our indifference is dangerous, because if we can’t see our suffering, we won’t seek help. And (unchecked) languishing in the present puts us at greater risk of depression in the future.

So what can we do if we feel ourselves languishing or are worried about someone at home or work who might be languishing?

Grant suggests these simple strategies:

Name the emotion.
There is a power to this simple act. It normalises our experience, helps us realise we are not alone in it, and helps us to see reality more clearly. It helps us to feel some self-compassion rather than judgement towards ourselves. Grant writes about the collective relief we all felt when what we were all experiencing last year was named as grief. Once something is named, it loses a bit of its power over us.
It might also be a gift to those around you who are feeling the same but haven’t found a word to describe it yet. Saying we are languishing is also an antidote to toxic positivity, the sense that we have to stay upbeat all the time (which is unrealistic and can be deeply damaging to morale, wellbeing and workplace culture).
Find activities that absorb you.
Getting into ‘flow’ is a way out of languishing. Finding some respite from the constant distractions of social media and emails (and maybe kids!) so that we can focus our attention will give us a sense of progress, which in turn can lead to increased joy and motivation. It could be reading a good novel, cooking, physical exercise, doing art with the kids, watching a film, coaching a client or writing a blog. But whatever you choose, give yourself uninterrupted time for it, even if it is just 20 minutes. Focus is essential to flow.
Focus on small goals.
Achieving some small wins will help to regain some energy and enthusiasm for the next small goals.